Let’s talk about baby spacing. If you want to have more than one kid, how do you figure out how far apart to have them?
Ok, let’s back up a minute because first you have to decide if you want to have more than one kid. Sleeping in 45-minute increments because the newborn won’t sleep? Chasing a toddler while holding/comforting/feeding a baby? B getting less of my attention? Paying almost twice as much for daycare? All of these thoughts make me say that I do not want to have a second kid. But another logical part of my brain tells me that all these hard things will only last for a little while, but having a sibling for B will last a lifetime. And then I see a woman in a parking lot carrying a baby while struggling to push a stroller with a toddler, and I think no, no, no, no, no. But then I imagine B not having a sibling at all, and it makes me feel like my family is incomplete. In the end, I think the feeling of incomplete-ness is going to outweigh all the other considerations. Plus H, who is kind of important to our family, wants to have another kid too.
And can I just point out that it is so much fun to have a baby I can dress up?
So let’s go forward assuming there will be another kid. How do you decide WHEN? I can see why a lot of babies are about two years apart. I can imagine wanting to get pregnant now that B is 15 months- it’s such a fun age, and B is sleeping way, way better, so it makes handling another kid seem more possible (to me) than it ever seemed when he was younger. (H, on the other hand, asked me when I wanted to have a second kid the same day we brought B home from the hospital. True story.)
In my case, I just started a new job, and I don’t want to have to take maternity leave until I’ve been at the new job at least a year. So the minimum amount of age difference between B and his sibling would be a little over two years.
For the purpose of this post, I tried to write a list of the possible benefits of 2-year, 3-year, and 4-year spacings, and I am realizing it is totally a crapshoot. A shorter age difference could make the kids closer, or it could make them more competitive and drive them apart. A longer age difference could mean that B would be more helpful with the baby, or it could mean he is less helpful and more resentful. Who knows! No one!
So what are H and I going to do? I don’t know yet. And, of course, there’s no way to know whether the timing we plan will actually happen or not.
I’m kind of terrified and pretty sure that I’ll be a mom with “stair step” kids, you know–the mom who suddenly has three kids all under the age of 5. I didn’t want it to be that way originally but I waited a long time to start trying and because I do not want to be pregnant and birthing for the better part of a decade it’s looking like they’ll have to be one right after the other… but who knows. Maybe we’ll get our first and say “okay that’s enough.”
But because I want the big family I don’t really see the “okay one is enough” thing happening.
By the time NikkiZ was 2 1/2 she was old enough to A) Be entertained watching an episode of Dora and B) Understand that napping is mandatory and nighttime bedtimes are non-negotiable. To me? Those two things made having a baby around much easier. Fighting the sleeping through the night fight with TWO kids would be miserable. And Dora allowed me time with AndyZ when I needed it.
So…to me? Anytime I hear people spacing their kids less than 2 1/2 years apart? I wonder how they did it. But more than that? It’s ok. Actually…they make great playmates now.
You’re probably right from your last post that it’s all about laid back parenting. Also, a crapshoot. There’s just so many variables.
there’s never a “good” time. I’ve had 3 kids in 5 years (4, 2, and 8 mo.). Some days I’m really tired and I can see why you might want to space kids out 3+ years. On the other hand, soon the whole no sleep, lots of diaper phase will be over. I’ve already started donating the newborn stuff.
*sniff*
waah, I want another….
Ages ago I was adamant I wanted 3-4 years between kids, but… I’m almost 30 and I don’t even have one yet. And we’re not trying. So unless I want to have that third kid when I’m 40, I guess they’re going to have to be closer together. Assuming I can just decide to get pregnant whenever I want. And assuming I still want 3-4 kids after I spend a few months actually taking care of a baby.
Yeah, there is no point in planning.
I recommend NOT having two kids in diapers at the same time. Otherwise, whatever works for your situation.
This baby is due ten days before my son’s 3rd birthday and that was the spacing I was kind of hoping for, although I would have been find with three and a half or four years. All I knew was that two years apart was WAY too close to me. Somehow two and three seemed drastically different to me. But then there’s the argument that they’ll be better friends the closer in age they are. There’s no right answer, and you can’t plan it anyway!
I’m as close to my sister who’s three years older than me as I am to my eldest sister who is almost 10 years older.
I don’t think spacing matters, it’s more about when you feel it’s time – or you end up pregnant.
I’m due with my first in July and have been thinking about this a lot too. I’m the oldest in my family and my middle sis and I are just shy of two years apart. We definitely had our moments growing up and now she (and my youngest sis, 6 years between us) are best friends and I couldn’t imagine life without either of them.
Still, I can only imagine how hard it must be with two little ones to take care of so I am just going to add myself to the ‘crapshoot’ pile…I don’t think there is a ‘right’ answer, just ‘right for you’;)
My sister and I are seven and a half years apart. Bjorn and his brother are just over six years apart. We’ve agreed that is just too wide of a gap. My sister and I never really had much in common and ended up being more like only children than good friends. I realize that can happen with any age difference but in our case I think it is definitely related to the age difference. We’re definitely going to try to have ours closer together.
Like everyone else has said, it ultimately will come down to what works best for you. And the world will be a better place with more little Bs running around – whenever you decide to have them!
I’ve never had to take care of a baby for more than a few hours at a time, so obviously my opinion doesn’t mean much, but I definitely think if you’ve got one kid, you should probably have two, and I think spacing them closer together (like, three years or less) is better. For a while, when they’re babies and toddlers, it’s ridiculously hard, I’m sure, but I honestly believe that after that, it has to be easier. Even though my older sister and I (14 months apart) have never been super close or best friends or anything, we did help keep each other occupied. When my little sister was born six years later, it was like my mom had to start all over again, and that poor kid had to entertain herself and fend for herself, because we were old enough by that point that we wanted little to do with her. I think it’s better to have kids in the same age range simultaneously. Spread them too far apart and their needs are too different.
That said, you’ve gotta go with whatever timing works best for you, and I’m sure however it works out, your family will be perfect.
I have five. The closest are less than two years apart (by ten days.) The biggest space is six years.
Each amount of space has its pros and cons. The older kids are great with their baby brother and sister…it is so cute to watch. That is one of my favorite things about a little bit larger family.
Of course it was nice to have them close together too so they shared interests and stuff and everyone was happy with the same type of outings. The older ones don’t always want to do baby centered activities……………
My nephew and niece are 3 1/2 years apart and it is a good space. My nephew was in pre-school for part of the time when my SIL first had the baby, so that was nice to give him “his” time at school and gave my SIL time with the baby.
I’m the same distance from my brother and sister. I think 2 1/2-3 1/2 years is a good space between.
Although, since I’m almost 33 and not married, I won’t have that luxury if I ever have kids.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this too. I used to think I would want my son to be two when I had our second, but that idea quickly went out the window. Now, he’s rounding 20 months, and I’m getting the itch to have another baby. I have some friends who are about to have their second (and their first is around my son’s age), and I secretly pity them. It’s going to be so hard. Now, I think when my son is starting preschool might be a good time. Then at least he’s more independent, and he’ll be out of my hair for at least a few hours a week, haha.
My brothers and I are all 4 years apart, and that worked well for us. It’s enough time that we’re not in totally different places in our lives, but not so close that we’re incredibly competitive.
In the end, I think it’s all about you and your family’s dynamic. If you’re ready, great. But, if there’s any doubt, you might want to wait.
I love thinking about baby spacing, and I’m not even pregnant with my first yet. It is interesting to contemplate, and you’re right… it’s all a crapshoot, the chips could fall in a million different ways, and at the end of the day we have only a small amount of control over the spacing to begin with. And yet, it’s so fascinating to puzzle over. I think I’d still like to have a general idea of the spacing we’d like, even knowing that it will probably not end up happening that way and even if it does it will probably not end up being anything like what I expect.
I’m still trying to figure this one out myself. Husband’s biological clock is ticking so loud you could mistake it for Big Ben. I’m really not excited about having any more kids. I hated being pregnant, and the idea of having another baby makes me just really exhausted. But I’m on the hook for one more, so probably next year, which will make about a 3 1/2 year age difference between kids. Won’t have to pay full time daycare for two kids, or diaper two kids, and won’t have to pay college for two kids at the same time (maybe for one year, I guess). Still close enough in age they could conceivably be friends.
Still, I would really like a surrogate the next time around. Pregnancy sucks.
We have 4 1/2 years between our sons and that is a very nice space. The older one is self sufficient in a lot of ways, he can fix his own drinks and snacks, he can play Wii, he can dress himself including shoes, coat, and anything with zippers, toileting is worry free, and so on. The baby gets a lot of one on one attention during our 3.5 hours of preschool everyday and no one makes the baby laugh harder than his big brother.
my girls are 19 months apart. while it’s hard during the first year, they are the best of friends and A PLUS!!!! they are each other’s playmate. I don’t have to do a damn thing!
and the two in diapers? didn’t bother me. it was like an assembly line of changing the Pampers.
My mom said she waited three years between my brother and me b/c she did not want two kids diapers. I think that sounds reasonable. Even being three years apart, my brother and I were close.