Sometimes I feel like everything is working out well. I love B’s daycare. I love being able to check on him on the daycare website every day and see that the daycare people are playing with him. I like my work. I like my clients. I get to come home and spend enough time with B that I feel like I know him and that we have quality time together. Everything is going to be fine!
Then other times I feel like I can’t do this. I am bad at my job and bad at being a mom. I spend all my time at work thinking about B and how I wish I were with him, and I spend all my time at home wishing B would go to sleep because I have so much work to do. My house is a disaster area. It’s not just messy; it’s gross. I’m exhausted. I can’t do anything right. This is not working at all, and I need to figure out how to change this!
I have figured out some of the triggers that cause me to go into the This is not working! zone.
- when I’m too busy at work
- when I screw something up at work
- when I’m too tired
- when my house has crossed the line from bad to disgusting
The problem is that not all of these things are in my control. On good days, I tell myself that there is only so much I can do. I should prioritize, and the things at the end of the list will get done eventually. I can only do as much as I can do, so there’s no point stressing about it. On bad days, I tell myself that everything on the list is super important, and there’s no way I can do everything on the list, and I feel sick.
No one can tell me what the solution is. I don’t think there is a solution. I think I have to figure out what is best for me now, and H and I have to work together to figure out what is best for our family now. What works now might not work in a year or two, and it’s going to be a constant struggle to make things work. I hate that. I want there to be one answer. And I want to know the answer and have things settled. I don’t like this feeling of anxiety and uncertainty.
You’re right – It’s hard. Even now, we are still working on not keeping the house in a constant state of clutter. I go home on my lunchbreak, so I often clean at lunch.
We feel like we spend so lilttle time with our son. There are a couple of hours between when we get home at night and his bedtime, and into that we have to fit dinner and a shower for him.
On weekends, we try to do things together all the time, because that’s the time we have.
We’re doing better than we were a year ago at keeping things organized, and way better than we were several years ago.
I guess just be patient, and know it will work itself out.
I love this post because it’s simple and to the point and SO SO TRUE.
I love working outside the home, but I’ve definitely felt ALL of these things at one time or another.
Can you afford to hire someone to clean house for you? We parents get caught in the trap of thinking we have to do it all ourselves, but we don’t. Besides, you will be stimulating the economy and providing employment for someone who probably really needs it. AND more time for B!
I was going to suggest hiring a house cleaner as well. Just having someone to come in once a week and do things like the bathrooms and kitchen would free up a good chunk of time for you.
I’m not a working mom, but I totally understand what you’re talking about. I get those feelings of anxiety and being overwhelmed too and it’s rough and I don’t even have an extra person to take care of.
Hang in there! I hope it gets easier! Maybe a cleaning person, even just once a month, will help out!
I agree with the house cleaner idea. I have a friend who just recently had a baby do that because it was just too much for her.
Here I am, not working and feeling the other extreme as you….no adult interaction, no outside of the home job to get praised for (even though when I did screw up I felt exactly as you did), I still get behind on house cleaning because some days Luke doesn’t allow it, some days he’s whining at my feet and I don’t know what to do for him after I’ve done all I can think of (guilt, bad mom), some days are super fun, I get upset for wishing I was working because this is a good gig and a GIFT for the time I have with him but I still feel that way.
You still have to do whatever is right for you, but I think those feelings, either way of the spectrum are always going to linger and it’s nice to know other people have them.
I feel like this too, and I don’t even have a kid! It’s a constant struggle and I have no answers… but you’re definitely not the only one who feels like this.
Man. I feel like you are in my brain today/this week. Lately I feel like I’m in that TOO MUCH! ABORT MISSION! mode. I looked into house cleaners once with no luck. Just couldn’t find any affordable options in my area. I’ve opted instead to just live in filth…is that sufficient?
Here’s to us all having MORE good days than bad, right?
I agree on the house cleaner thing as well. Even if you just hired someone to come once or twice a month, it would probably help, if you can swing it. I’ve been thinking about that too because we can barely manage to keep our house clean as it is, and we don’t have a baby.
I think it’s good you know your triggers. That can help you avoid those feelings in the future, I think.
I am new to that anxious feeling as well. Uncertainty is the worst! But hopefully you can at least take solace in knowing you are truly trying to do the best you can for your family. That’s something a lot of people can’t handle!
I’m adding to the ‘hire a housecleaner” crowd. Seriously – it might not be cleaned exactly like you would do it, but it makes the messy house a lot easier to deal with when you know without a doubt that next Thursday it will be cleaned again, and then once the major stuff is taken care of – you can (if you have time this round) touch up the stuff that bothers you. It has saved my sanity.
Merry maids. It’s worth it to take some of the pressure off yourself.
Housekeepaaahhhhh. (See, it even has “aaahhhhhh” in it!) If possible. It will take so much stress of you, you won’t believe it. Working full-time, plus husband working full-time, plus a wee one, equals no chance at all that you’ll be able to keep the house the way you need it, and why should you spend precious fambly time cleaning?
Do you exercise regularly? (I know, did I read your post at ALL?) But paradoxically, it increases energy, lifts mood, etc. Brief lunchtime walk, or something. Works great, if you can swing it. Doesn’t have to be long at all — fifteen minutes or so, even.
I feel exactly the same way. Some days I feel like I can do this, others I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread and it’s all about to come crashing down. I have no advice to offer, because I’m right there with you.
You are smart, and you have your act together, and I think that probably makes this even harder for you. You think you should be able to figure out a magical solution to make this work. (Because you’re smart! And you can DO this!) But because you’re smart, you also know that there IS no magical answer, so then you are hard on yourself for not being able to make peace with that, and then you just feel worse.
That made sense in my head, but I’m not sure I’m expressing it the way I meant. Regardless, the point is something you already know: everything you’re feeling is normal, and one way or another, it’ll all be OK. Hang in there, kiddo. (I kinda like it when people call me kiddo. I hope it doesn’t have the opposite effect on you.)
Hang in there! I think that Stefanie hit the nail on the head (above). You have high expectations for yourself; and I think this makes this even more difficult for you. A housekeeper once a week/every other week can make a big difference – it’s one less thing for you to worry about and a clean house will go a long way to making the rest of your life a bit easier to deal with – it’s a sanity saver for sure. You are doing a great job, just hang in there!
Everyone feels overwhelmed and stressed sometimes and you’re one step ahead because you’ve identified triggers that make you feel this way. I think people have already beat me to this, but if there are things you can outsource to eliminate some of those triggers it could be a partial solution. The easiest one is hiring a cleaning person. One less thing for you to think about.
And anytime you need a (virtual) shoulder – call me!!
I’m not a mom, but I have these same sorts of feelings a lot and I can only imagine how compounded they must be with a child. But I also think that, given how well you’ve succeeded in life and in your job thus far, you have very high standards for yourself — so to anyone but you, you’re doing an amazing job. It’s just harder to see from where you sit.
I’ve heard lots of working moms, especially professionals, say that once they had kids, they had to learn to be “good enough” rather than trying to be perfect all the time as they had up until that point in their lives. Not to say you have to embrace mediocrity, but you have to be kinder to yourself about balancing everything. Just getting things done is considered a success; doing them super-well is a bonus.
I also will echo the chorus in recommending a cleaning service. We have one just every other week, and it is a lifesaver. I think with a baby, once a week would be transformative to your life and well-being.
I really admire your honesty, -R-. You write so candidly about being a working mother, and I find it refreshing.
I’ll also echo your other commenters that hiring a housekeeper may be a good idea, if it’s possible. Nothing wrong with accepting some help when you need it. I’m sure you’re doing a fantastic job at work and at home, though.
Ditto, ditto, and ditto. All your feelings are normal, and they will come back to you again periodically throughout B’s childhood… but not always to the same level.
Control only what you are able to control (e.g., getting the housekeeper), and then don’t sweat the stuff that’s out of your control.
Most importantly, don’t be so hard on yourself! I spent 6 months with a counselor before she convinced me that no one else was judging me as roughly as I judged myself.
You’re good enough, smart enough, and doggone it… people like you!
*hugs*
Having done this for almost a year, I have to say – it gets a lot better! I’m coming up on my one-year anniversary at work and it’s almost shocking how far I’ve come. Yeah, my house is still a complete disaster, but that’s just because I’m a slovenly biotch.
I don’t care what anyone says, kids get easier as they get older. You also discover little shortcuts around the house, with the baby, at work, even with your commute, that make everything easier. For me, sometimes it means buying a bacon, egg, and cheese bagel on the way to work so I can skip lunch and run errands or work through my lunch break. Other times it means the baby has to wear an outfit from the back of the closet while my laundry languishes another day.
It’s a constant balancing act between my job, my house, my health, my time with the baby, and about a thousand other things. But I *swear* it gets better. Really.
My last piece of advice – SLEEP. It’s the one and only thing I can’t compromise on, and I still don’t get as much as I need. But life looks a hell of a lot better when you’re not demented with exhaustion.
You read my mind.
I hope you and H find out what works for you soon. I hope we figure it out as well.
What Kristin said.
I spend all my time at work thinking about B and how I wish I were with him, and I spend all my time at home wishing B would go to sleep because I have so much work to do.
I totally get that.
Yes, yes, yes get a cleaner. I refused to do this for 13 years and only broke down this year because I took a job that requires an 80-mile round trip commute each day.
It has been amazing. She comes in once a week and just stays on top of everything. It forces us to pick up the clutter before she gets here. It’s just so, so, so much better.