Who’s On First

H uses bad language. Not all the time, but when he is driving with kids in the car, they hear things they shouldn’t.

Ren: We don’t say stupid, fucking, or oh my gosh.
Me: Don’t ever say those words. [I don't know why he thinks oh my gosh is bad, but whatever.]
Ren: I didn’t!
Me: Don’t say those words even to tell me we don’t say them.
Ren: I didn’t! I didn’t say fucking!
Me: You just said it.
Ren: No, I didn’t. Fucking is a naughty word.
Me: Stop saying it.
Ren: I’m not saying it.
Me: Ok, good.

You guys, I think he’s just fucking with me.

A Three Year Old Gets Dressed

Me: Time to get dressed!
Him: Noooooooooooooooooo!
Me: Do you want the Captain America shirt or the dinosaur shirt?
Him: I want no shirt.
Me: Captain America or dinosaur?
Him: PJ shirt.
Me: Captain America or dinosaur?
Him: [stares at television and doesn't answer]
Me: Pick a shirt.
Him: [nothing]
Me: Ok. Captain America shirt.
Him: No! I want the dinosaur shirt.
Me: Ok. [hands him the dinosaur shirt]
Him: No! I want the Captain America shirt! Aaaaa!
Me: No whining.
Him: Can I have the Captain America shirt please?
Me: Yes.
Him: [stands there holding shirt]
Me: Put your shirt on.
Him: Can we read a book?
Me: Yes, after you get dressed.
Him: A spider has eight legs. It can make a web.
Me: Yes, you’re right. Put on your shirt.
Him: A ladybug is red and black. A ladybug can fly. It flies around and around and then it says, “I want to go home and see my mommy.” Right, Mom? Right?
Me: Shirt.
Him: The ladybug misses his mommy, right?
Me: Sure, why not. Put on your shirt.
Him: I can’t put on my shirt. My arm is stuck to the wall.
Me: Do you need help?
Him: My arm is stuck to the wall!
Me: I am going to put your shirt on you myself.
Him: Just kidding! My arm’s not stuck to the wall. [wraps shirt around his neck] Where did my shirt go? I only have this beautiful necklace. It is so beautiful.
Me: Shirt.
Him: It’s a necklace.
Me: Shirt.
Him: I can’t put it on because I’m rubbing my eyes.
Me: Shirt shirt shirt.
Him: [wears his shirt like a wig]
Me: Put your [mothereffing] shirt on right [mothereffing] now.

And that is why I am just going to let my kid wear his pajamas in public for the next five years or so.

Plastic Eyebrows

I had the day off yesterday. I have a major project going on at work, so I was going to go in to work for a few hours, get a haircut, then pick up the kids from daycare early. Instead I ended up staying home with the kids and even watching one of our friends’ kids. H came home early, and then I went into work for a few hours.

The kids were so great all day. I had so much fun watching the three goofballs.

The boys played really well together. It seems 3.5 is the age where they can share toys without fighting or whining. Yay, milestone!

The other little boy asked if he could take a nap. I said yes. then he asked if he could have a sippy cup of juice in bed. “My dad let’s me have juice in bed. It’s totally ok. He always let’s me. I’m allowed to have juice in bed.” I knew he was lying, obviously, but I didn’t really care and gave him some juice. He started to bring it upstairs, but then he stopped, turned around, and left the juice at the bottom of the stairs. “I’m not really allowed to have juice,” he admitted. Dang, I love three year olds.

This morning we went to a little fair at the kids’ new daycare. I think Ren is really excited about the new school. Hopefully he’s not expecting a petting zoo and face painting every day.

And now Groucho Marx is in my backseat.

Lucky

I seriously have the best friends.

This morning Ree is wearing one of Felicity’s dresses. Thanks to Lawyerish, Ree is going to be the best dressed girl in Minnesota this summer.

(Ree was too busy for serious modeling this morning.)

And also this morning I found a package waiting for me on my front doorstep. Andrea knows me so well.

Obviously Andrea and I are both disappointed there’s no Franklin Pierce Pez dispenser, but this is still a pretty good present. (Franklin Pierce is our vote for hottest president. I’ll have to write more about that later.) And there are lots of other fun things in the package too.

Thanks, guys!

More attempts to get a good photo of Ree’s dress.

I am very concerned about Ree’s modeling career. It appears we may need to start a college fund for her after all.

Options Considered For Dealing With The Bill Daycare Gave Me

1. Just ignore it.
2. Write, “Ha!” on it and give it to the director.
3. Respond with a civilized note indicating that I will not be paying for not giving two-weeks notice considering that the daycare director has not appropriately or legally staffed the daycare.
4. Respond with a civilized note and cc: the woman at the state who is investigating the daycare.
5. Ask myself What Would The Woman With The Go Fuck Yourself Bumper Sticker Do? and then punch the director in the face.
6. Attach a bumper sticker that says Go Fuck Yourself to the director’s (expensive) car.
7. Write a note that says, “See you in court!” and add a big smiley face sticker.

Bad Mom

I have had some concerns about our daycare recently. I talked to the director about them and gave her a few weeks to see if things improved. In my opinion, they did not. I started looking at new daycares. I kept finding out additional information about the current daycare that made me not just concerned but livid. Daycare search was accelerated- as in I gave notice yesterday that Friday will be the kids’ last day even though I didn’t have a new daycare lined up.

I looked at another potential daycare Monday afternoon and didn’t like it at all. I just sat in my car afterwards feeling dejected. Daycare is so freaking expensive, and none are perfect, and these people are taking care of my kids 40 hours a week and all they care about is money, and I’ll never find the right place, and I hate separating Ren from his friends.

But I sucked it up and did surprise second visits at two places, and we chose one that I think is going to be great. Of course, I thought the daycare the kids are currently at was great, and it probably was until six months ago, but poor Ree has had the short end if the stick, and I’m not sure that the infant room has been safe all of the time she’s been there and I fucking hate the center and myself for not pulling her out of there earlier.

Ree was sobbing last night in her crib. She didn’t need me for any reason. As long as I was in her room, she was fine. But every time I thought she was back asleep and I tried to leave the room, she sobbed violently. Two weeks ago I would have let her cry it out. But now that I think there’s a chance she may have been ignored at daycare who knows how many times, I couldn’t leave her. I’m already a bad enough mom. So I “slept” on the floor next to her crib, and she was able to get some comfort from that and sleep.

Sneaky Sneakerson

I’ve mentioned before that I like receiving practical gifts, but H likes giving fancy gifts. For Mother’s Day, he found the perfect mix of the two. H bought me some crystal wine glasses because I love glassware, stemless wine glasses because I mentioned in passing I’ve been looking for some, A Girl Walks Into A Bar by Rachel Dratch because I’d said I want to read it, and two picture frames for some art he knew I wanted to frame. I am so impressed by his thoughtfulness.

On Saturday evening we hung out with friends and their kids. We have boys the same age who are best friends. The adults and babies were all talking on the back deck while the boys played right on the other side of the screen door. All of a sudden the boys ran outside to us without their shirts on, chanting something about “booty.” They ran into the yard and were playing quietly. Turns out they were so quiet because they were soaking each other with the hose we had already told them not to play with. Taking off their shirts beforehand was all part of their crazy hose plot. I did not realize they were old enough to plot anything!

Later the boys were pretending to be scared of monsters, so the other boy’s parents told him to go find his flashlight. The boys disappeared for 60 seconds. They came back, very proud of themselves, with their faces decorated with red lipstick.